Happy Valentine's Day

We spent 2 1/2 hours at the doctor's office today finding out none of us have strep (yay!), but the 2 youngest do have ear infections, and my current antibiotic was not doing anything to help my bronchitis.  So, new antibiotic for me, and antibiotics for everyone else too.  Mariah got some just cause she's been sick for 2 1/2 weeks.  (I hate antibiotics and don't really plan on giving them to the girls unless they don't improve over the next few days.  I don't want to deal with the tummy issues and yeast infections that will surely be the aftermath.)

So, not much of a Valentine's Day for us.  But we did manage to make this cake for Mike this morning.

Flu and Food

We've had the flu, bronchitis, and strep here, and today I suspect Sal might have an ear infection.  The kids and Mike have now been sick for 2 1/2 weeks, and Sally and I have been sick for just over a week.  Miserable is an understatement.

One of the more frustrating parts of the sickness for me (and Sally) was that the high fever dried up my milk.  Sally still only nurses, and she was one sad baby for several days.  She had the flu, and she was hungry.  I did everything I could think of or read about to increase my milk supply.  It's finally almost normal again yesterday and today.  (The key, I think, for anyone interested, is taking fenugreek and blessed thistle capsules.)

Anyway, Sally absolutely REFUSES to take a bottle; I did finally get her to drink a tiny bit out of a sippy cup, but even that, she would only do if she could hold the sippy while nursing (getting nothing), and get off every few seconds to take a couple sips.

I also tried supplementing with solid food.  She was not a fan.  I think she thought all of these things were a ploy to ween her.  She really acted like her little heart was broken.  Poor girl has cried more in the last week than her whole life combined.  I'm not kidding.

Sick Mariah

Getting ready for her first solid food.  Oatmeal.  Yum!

Cheesing for the camera, but there are tears.

"I just want to nurse, Mom."

One blessing we received this week was a snow day.  Mike didn't have to go to school on Wednesday, which meant I got to stay in bed all day!  (He actually had a couple days where he didn't feel sick, but then got slammed with strep on Thursday!)  I came out from sleeping at one point to find Mike and the girls peeling garlic for me to help me feel better.  Labor of love!

Smarty Pants

I have not taught Mariah to write her name.  I've written it for her a few times, and she has traced it, but not in all capital letters.  This is what she drew this morning.  (I love how the snowman looks like he's running.)

Digging Out

With Mike still in bed with the flu (going on a week and a half now), I got to shovel the driveway.  I've shoveled a lot of snow in my life, and I actually really enjoy hard physical work like that, but this was insane!  The snow was incredibly heavy and just the right consistency to stick to the shovel every time.  I was exhausted, and today my body feels like I either did some hardcore rock climbing or water skiing.  (Sensations from my former life.)  Love it!

Luckily, the younger 2 girls slept the whole time I was out there, and Mariah sat on a chair and watched from the window.

I don't really think the pictures look as dramatic as it was.  Trust me . . . it was deep!

Utah Bound

We went to Utah for the Holidays (and with hopes of getting some intensive therapy in for Mariah).  Mike had 3 weeks off school, so we were there together for his break; then he flew home, and the girls and I stayed for another 2 weeks (more therapy).

With Mariah's situation, we needed to stay somewhere she could have her own (empty) room and some space without chaos.  Joanne and Daniel and their 6 children were staying at my parents' home, so that wasn't the place for us.  But we were so blessed, and things fell into place. Two of my cousins and their families are currently living in my grandparents' house while they're on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Both cousins and families were going to see their respective in-laws for the holidays, and they offered to let us stay in the house.  Absolutely perfect!  Thanks again!

The girls were troopers on the 2-day drive.

In the Denver hotel.

Sally always reaches for Laney's hand or foot to hold onto.

Poor Mariah had a cold.  She was a great sport the whole way.  We put her booster seat in the back, so she couldn't see Elaine and feel the need to control her.

Laney and her pacifier have since parted ways (post for another day).  When this picture was taken, the rule was she could pacify in her bed or in the car.

Coming Clean

Ok.  So I've been living a double life, and I'm ready to come clean.  My two lives:  my blog life and my real life.

In my blog life, I'm a mostly happy wife to an amazing husband and a mostly happy mother to 3 mostly cute and mostly obedient children.

In my real life, I have a 4-year-old with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  This illness, before being diagnosed, was destroying our family.  We rarely laughed or had fun together.  I struggled with HUGE (and mostly unexpressed) feelings of inadequacy, failure, anger, and depression, which affected our marriage (my husband is a SAINT).  I would read other mother's blog posts and think, "These women seem to genuinely enjoy motherhood!  Why don't I?"  This was heartbreaking and embarrassing to me, because my primary goal in life has always been to become a mother (and love it).

There were good moments, and that's when I blogged.  Portrayal of the family I wanted to have.  But I was always stressed and was almost always "failing" as a mother.

Nine months ago, Mariah, through miraculous events, was diagnosed with RAD, an illness that often affects adopted, foster, and/or abused children.  She was none of those.  But she was a NICU baby.  RAD is the result of a child's perception of repeated trauma.  Mariah perceived, as a tiny baby, that her mom had abandoned her and/or was not meeting her most basic needs.  Because of this perception, she "decided" she could not trust adults, especially mom, to take care of her, and she would have to do it herself.  From that point on, every experience was cataloged in her brain from that viewpoint; she was always in survival mode.  Her brain was actually hardwired incorrectly, with the fight or flight part being overdeveloped, and the emotional/social part underdeveloped.

I've always known, especially with my education in Family Science, that the attachment or bond between a mother and her baby is vital to life.  However, I never imagined how many things are affected by the lack of attachment.  Through treatment, we have seen a lot of progress, but here is a short list of some of Mariah's original symptoms:

• No understanding of cause and effect:  No parenting style works.  Punishment, reward, bribery--she does not care, and really is not capable of understanding it.  She must be in control for her own survival, no matter the consequences.
• Out of touch with her own emotions:  She's was either happy or angry all the time.  The happiness was an act.  She did not know how to recognize other emotions, and unless she was acting out in anger, she pasted on a happy face.
• Incapable of identifying others' emotions.  Incapable of feeling empathy:  She would laugh when Elaine got hurt or was sad.
• Incapable of feeling remorse:  She would hurt Elaine (or me) and laugh.
• Right and left hemispheres of the brain do not communicate, resulting in a very accident-prone, uncoordinated child.

Other symptoms:

• No eye contact, except on her terms.
• No physical affection, except on her terms at inappropriate times.
• Weak immune system.  Random rashes, with no known cause.  Sick often and for longer than other kids.
• Hyperactivity.  RAD is often mis-diagnosed as ADHD.
• Random spaciness.  Sometimes stares off into space for a while.
• Mood swings.
• High anxiety.
• Easily over stimulated.
• Impulsive.
• Hyper vigilant.  She notices EVERYTHING, and feels the need to know EVERYTHING.  Compound this with a possibly photographic memory, and life's a bit tricky for Mom.

A RAD child thinks in order to survive she must be in control at all times and tries to prove that her perceived reality is true:  Mom is a terrible mom and cannot be trusted to take care of me.  Mariah would relentlessly push my buttons until I lost my temper.  She would then get a look of triumph on her face, as if to say, "See, I knew she is a bad mom.  She can't take care of me!"

I have not shared all of this on our blog before now because I was trying to protect Mariah.  We are hopeful she will heal completely and will not be adversely affected for life.  I didn't want people who saw her in the future to think, "Oh, you're the one who has/had RAD," or "I wonder if she still has problems."

But I couldn't handle the two-faced aspect of my blog.  So, there you have it.  The real me.

RAD is incredibly complex.  Some say it's like having a bi-polar child with ADHD and autism who hates you.  It's also been said that the physical and time demands (excluding emotional strain) of parenting a RAD child are equivalent to having triplets.

Therapy/treatment is all-consuming (time and otherwise), exhausting, and stressful, but not as stressful as constantly wondering what's wrong with my child (or, more often, what's wrong with me?).

One of the hardest things to deal with, and something that sets us back often is attention she gets from other adults.  Any attention she gets, she feels she somehow manipulated into happening.  As long as she can control other adults and manipulate them into paying attention to her (giving her control), she does not need me and will not form the attachment with me.  She tests each new adult with whom we come in contact, to see if she can take control.  If the adult fails (gives her the attention on her terms), she acts triumphant, and her attention-seeking behaviors escalate.  But in reality, she feels insecure and scared because this adult failed her test and, therefore, cannot be trusted to take control and take care of her.

So, if you ever do see us, here are 3 things you can do to help:

1.  Put her off.  If she initiates conversation or tries to draw attention to herself, say something like, "Just a minute, Mariah . . . ."  Continue doing whatever it was you were doing, or make something up to do.  Then turn your attention (briefly) to her.  This shows her that you do care about her, but your relationship is on your terms, not hers.

2.  Always defer to Mom.  If she asks for something, tell her, "Your mom takes care of you," or something like that.

3.  Compliment Mom.  This is my favorite one, and the most effective.  Pretty much anything Mariah says can be turned to focus on me and my better qualities.  This does 3 things:  (1) Control is back in your court; (2) Mariah is reminded that she has/needs a great mom; (3) Mariah stops talking because she doesn't really like to hear how great I am.

Examples:

Mariah:  I'm 4!

You:  You're so lucky your mom had a birthday for you!

Mariah:  (does a little dance in front of you to get your attention)

You:  Simply ignore her, or say, "You're Mom is amazing!  She taught you how to dance!"

Mariah:  Look at this!  (shows you a piece of food she's eating, or anything else)

You:  You are so lucky to have a mom who takes care of you!

If in doubt, just ignore her.  Really.

And, down the road someday, hopefully I (and you) won't even have to think about it.

So, the cat's out.  I won't share too many details on this blog, but now you know, and I can at least mention it among the chaos of our lives--good and bad.

"Can I read books in my bed?"

I hear that question often from my Laney girl.  She LOVES books.  And her favorite place to read is in her bed.  Until just over a week ago, when we got a bunk bed, Elaine slept in a pack 'n play in our closet.  Here she is, sometime at the beginning of December:

Somewhere to Start . . .

. . . How about sunnier weather?  I'm a couple months behind here on the blog, so I'll start back at the beginning of December.  These pics were taken the same day we decorated for Christmas:

Hello, February!

Saturday (3 days ago) was 76 degrees.

Today we woke up to this:

That's a 4-foot drift that extends all the way across the front of the house, including the garage.

Our front porch.

The view from our kitchen.

I love the "mountain." It reminds me of Timp.

Our back door.

The back porch.

Another view of the back porch.

Nothing like being snowed in with a husband and 2 kids with a nasty flu and a teething 8-month-old!   Mike's never been this sick in his life, and the girls are not happy campers either.  We've been pretty holed up since the end of last week, and haven't done any grocery shopping in a week and a half.  The fridge is almost bare, and all I can say is, "Thank goodness for food storage!"  I don't think we'll be going out for a while!  The current temperature is 7 degrees (-15 with wind chill).  We won't see anything above freezing until Friday.

This is Mariah 5 minutes ago.  Poor girl.  She's now sleeping in her bed.

Family Pictures

We went last week and got family pictures taken . . . finally!  They turned out surprisingly cute!

Click here to view.